In February I entered the Crime Writers Association
debut dagger competition. The competition required you to send in the first 3,000 words of your novel and a synopsis.
I had more than 3,000 words already down, so thought, yes, I can do that. I spent an incredible amount of time editing, having not realised what the editing process would be like and practically rewrote every sentence.
I sat and completed pages of character sheets and wrote the synopsis, happy that I knew the people living in it and where they would be going. I knew that after only starting writing in October 2010 it was against the odds that I would come anywhere near obtaining this coveted prize, but you know how you get in your own little writing world. This book is great! I held an inner hope.
Yesterday that hope was crushed as I read on the website that the shortlisted entrants have been notified by post. I haven't received any post. So, it's either got lost (that's a Possibilty right?) or they didn't shortlist me.
I am surprised to hear myself saying this but I'm actually a little hurt. A serious rejection, without a rejection letter. My work wasn't good enough, not polished enough or just a rubbish idea.
I'm in the middle of my work in progress at the minute and I'm already struggling with feelings of uselessness. Feelings that whatever I create is just a great idea and a great plot in my own deluded head and no one in their right mind is ever going to want to take it on and take it out there to eager readers. I've read on blogs that writing the middle section of the novel is the difficult bit but I took that information with a pinch of salt. Now that salt is burning the back of my throat and I can't swallow because I just failed at the debut dagger.
I failed. I'm useless. I have to try and find it within myself to get back on the keyboard and ride it again.
I know this feeling will pass but it's a strange place to be sitting, only halfway through the novel, knowing I have so much work left to do, yet not knowing if my work will ever make it.